"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

And another one bites the dust!

So I went out with friends tonight. My one friend Crystal who is about 3 months pregnant didn't come because she had a migraine. I'm a little suspicious that she didn't come because I was there. I have sent her several emails over the past two months since we found out she was pregnant, this morning was the first one she replied to and it was 2 sentences long. I was trying to be understanding, she's busy, she's pregnant and let's face it...I'm a scary reminder of what could go wrong. But her not showing up to dinner... I can't help it. It might be narcissistic to think it's because of me...but I feel like she is avoiding me, and that hurts.

Then my other friend, Amy, the only one I really hang out with on a regular basis...she announced she was 6 weeks pregnant this evening. My first reaction was sheer joy and excitement...and then sadness (for me). So, I was glad that my first reaction was a scream and she got what she needed. But, crap! I'm not ready. Not that I ever would be, but not yet. I want to be a part of it. But I'm still so raw. She voiced her fear to me this evening. The fear of what happened to my Logan happening to her baby. I wish I could have comforted her. I tried. I kept trying to say "but what are the odds?" but I couldn't ever finish that sentence. She knows. She tries to "get it" the best that she can. I appreciated her honesty and told her that yes, it's possible that her baby might die (she's epileptic and has something else that raises her rates of dead babies) but that being the case she should try to cherish and remember and to savor every blessed moment...just in case. It's the best that I could do. Sigh. That's sad. I then told her that I couldn't give her any of my baby stuff. I'm not ready to let go. What if I decide to have another? I can't let go, not yet. She said she knew that. I hope she really did. Part of me really does want to give her my stuff. But I can't. I know I can't. I know I can't see her wearing my maternity clothes or dressing her baby in things I had for mine. I can't. This is going to be tough for me. I want to be involved. I can't wait to see that baby...I hope I don't run out of the house with him/her... :s Sigh. I miss my son. We would have been pregnant, all three of us, at the same time...just like we wanted. Now, I'm the odd man out. That baby is due in early December...6 weeks before Logan's birth/death. I don't know how I'll deal with that. I want a baby too. I want MY son. He would have been here in five weeks... crap.


Ter said...


i know how much it hurts.

i'm sorry. :(


Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry Heather, that's a hard evening, with a lot of emotion attached to it.

Inanna said...

"I know I can't see her wearing my maternity clothes or dressing her baby in things I had for mine. I can't."

No way. no way. Don't do that to yourself, mama. If you ever DO decide to give it away, donate it. That's what I'll do, if I decide not to have another. I couldn't imagine the pain of seeing another baby dressed in something meant for my baby who's gone...

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