"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Twilight, 3 Months, McCracken and other stuff

I'm alone today. This should be a good thing. Thursday snuck up on me with out too much noise. The muffin is with grandma, per the usual routine on Thursdays. I'm glad for the "freedom" to do some cleaning and what not, but I'm not really in the mood. That's the thing. Lately I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything...except read the Twilight series. I've become obsessed with it. Maybe this is my new project now that I'm done with the laundry room and you can only blog about so much, and frankly my diet just sucks and depresses me more everyday. I'm holding onto the knowledge that it seems that the 3 month mark is tough on everyone. Even my husband is bluer than usual. That's heartbreaking for me too. I had hoped he would be able to move on easier than I. I had hoped that his ache wasn't as severe as mine. I had hoped. Seems like it was in vain though. Men ache and love and miss in the same magnitude as we do I suppose. Much to my dismay. It seems unfair that both of us should feel such loss, like one of us isn't bad enough. David does all he can, it seems, to give me joy. To keep me from tipping over the edge. I won't lie, that edge seems mighty inviting, especially as of late. Anyhow, so the Twilight books have given me something to obsesse over, to keep my mind very occupied. I love them, and I love immersing myself in such make believe that it leaves little room for my reality. David's been kind to me. Letting me read and neglect him and the house and my other responsibilites to escape this reality. But, I'm on the waiting list at teh library for the third book. A few minutes ago a freind of mine sent me a link to an online version of the 5th book (Twilight written from Edwards perspective) and it's taking every ounce of strength not to sit down and read all 257 pages this afternoon, instead of cleaning. BUT, I owe David. So, I will clean today. Much to my dismay. My mother is coming on Saturday, so it's probably for the best anyhow.

About Twilight. If you are a huge fan, and are in the process of reading or haven't read the series yet, you may want to skip this paragraph unless you want a warning about a dead baby. But, I thought I would give a little warning to something that was not in the movie, but is in the book. Esme, tell's Bella about her baby dying a few days after birth. Esme flung herself off of a cliff (odd, I could relate!). That's the story behind how she became a Vampire. The paragraph isn't real detailed, but there is most certainly a dead baby and I wasn't warned, so it struck me. So, I didn't want anyone else to have to have that. Also, my girlfriend told me last night that in the 4th book Bella get's pregnant and they think it's a vamp baby. She says is pretty disturbing, and she doesnt' think I should read it. I'm going to anyway. I feel like if I am warned I can handle it, it's the surprises I don't like. So, thought she wrecked what seems like it would be a pretty major point in the book (and now I have too, sorry)...I am glad to be prepared for a pregnancy...and whatever else horrid thing may happen. BUT, aside from all of this, I LOVE the series (but, I dig fantasy books) and I think it tops my list of all time favorites.

I finished reading Elizabeth McCracken's book An Exact Figment of My Imagination. I don't really have an opinion of it. It isn't a self help book. It isn't a comfort book. The book isn't written to comfort anyone. It is simply her story. Kind of like a blog in a book. It's her timeline of how her baby died, what she said, did and felt. That's it. I enjoyed reading it. I related to a lot of it. Anyhow, I thought I'd pass the book along. So, the first person to comment and say they want it, I'll send it to them.

It's been three months. I am having a hard time grasping at that. THREE MONTHS! It doesn't seem possible. It makes me want to vomit when I think about it. I'm tired of that feeling. I can't put my thoughts into words. Most days I feel black. Most days I feel bruised and beaten. Most days I just want to forget these past 9 months. I'm starting to feel it now, that people think I'm over it...or that I should be. I know that I shouldn't be, so I don't really care about the others...but I'm starting to feel it. The city is allowing me to plant a tree in Logan's honor at the park I would have taken him to play in. I've decided on a Weeping Willow, I think. They'll plant it and install a plaque for me. I'm surprised at their eagerness. I didn't tell them my story. Just that it was for my son. I want a Weeping Willow because it seems appropriate. I want a large tree that would signify his presence in my life, and a playful one that would sway in the breeze to signify my child. There's something about Weeping Willows, they seem sad, dominant, whispy, strong...they seem like they should be from a little boy who missed out on life. The city said they can plant it the week of my due date (May 19th). We're not having a service or anything. Just the three of us, going to honor our little boy. Everyone else can visit on their own. But I am delighted that I can have exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it and that for a life to come (provided it doesn't die or get cut down) I will be able to drive by and see that enormous tree, and knwo that THAT tree is my sons tree. No one else's.

I had a whole lot more written, but my blogger died...so, I'm not retyping it. I don't have the energy.


Sarah said...

Great choice of the tree!I am sure that Logan will love it also! Same thoughts on the book. Thinking of you.

Lisa said...

I am new to your blog. I lost my daughter on February 7, 2009. She was 12 days old. Her remembrance website is www.remembertessa.com if you would like to read about her. I would be interested in the book "An Exact Figment of My Imagination" if no one else has commented. Thank you.

Catherine W said...

Hope the cleaning is going well. I should also be cleaning but as you can see, I'm not!

Argh the Twilight dead baby thing got me too. I was actually reading it in the NICU so it got to me more than it would have done if I was at home perhaps. So thank you for the warning about book four.

I think that the Weeping Willow is a beautiful tree. I love your description, whispy and strong at the same time. And it will be Logan's tree. I am so very, very sorry.

angie said...

Wow, that is beautiful about the weeping willow and the city. I have wanted something like that for Lucy. We are planning on planting a tree ourselves, but I am terrified of it dying. I'm not the best gardener.

I read the twilight series right after Lucy died, and in between book two and three, I read the exact replica. the twilight series was so delicious. i didn't even notice the esme part at the time, but later on, i had some issues with the books. it was really good at keeping my brain occupied. i also read the edward book, well, what she had up there. i haven't checked it out lately.

i just have to say, i found that three months was the beginning of a dark period, which i am still in (i'm only at 4 months). i think the ways in which i began to miss lucy really settled it, and the shock wore off a little. thinking of you a ton, heather. this is a hard time. xoxoxo

Inanna said...

I read the whole Twilight series. (I borrowed the first two, and I have the last two in ebook form... ;) Mostly I read them because the oldest two kiddos were reading them and loving them and I wanted to see what the big deal was. I enjoyed the story (although I could have edited out half of the teen angst and it would have been a better book! lol)

You know, I'd forgotten Esme's dead baby. It was just a blip on the radar at the time. Now, I'd read it differently, of course...

I read "Figment" as well... I enjoyed it (well... "enjoy" isn't the word you use for a book like that... kwim?) but honestly, I think there's still a lot of denial there in her. I don't think she's really healed much... but everyone's journey is different.

Hope you find someone to pass it on to! It's definitely worth reading.

carlamichelle said...

That is so very cool that you get to plant a tree for Logan! A willow is perfect! Such a beautiful reminder of a a little boy lost. ((hugs))

Mary said...

Heather, I started to read the Twilight book while I was in California on my "break". I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was too soon to tackle such a book. I did notice my sister-in-law kept asking me how far I was getting. I don't even know if I read that part. I may just try again.

That the city is planting a tree in Logan's honor is so sweet. Who would've thought? That is definitely something worth looking forward to. I know that it will ease a tiny bit of the pain.

Heather said...

That is so neat about the tree in the park. I think a weeping willow would be a wonderful monument to your son. I like to read to escape to, it is nice to be able to get away in your mind sometimes. After the loss of our son I got into doing the Soduku(SP??) puzzels too, not too hard just counting to 9 over and over. If you still have the book by Elizabeth McCracken, I would like to read it, the one copy our library has is always checked out. My email is GH31mom at yahoo.com
It has been 3 years since our son died, we now have a 2 year old girl. People just don't understand that this is something you don't ever get over. Take it easy on yourself.

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