Twilight, 3 Months, McCracken and other stuff

I'm alone today. This should be a good thing. Thursday snuck up on me with out too much noise. The muffin is with grandma, per the usual routine on Thursdays. I'm glad for the "freedom" to do some cleaning and what not, but I'm not really in the mood. That's the thing. Lately I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything...except read the Twilight series. I've become obsessed with it. Maybe this is my new project now that I'm done with the laundry room and you can only blog about so much, and frankly my diet just sucks and depresses me more everyday. I'm holding onto the knowledge that it seems that the 3 month mark is tough on everyone. Even my husband is bluer than usual. That's heartbreaking for me too. I had hoped he would be able to move on easier than I. I had hoped that his ache wasn't as severe as mine. I had hoped. Seems like it was in vain though. Men ache and love and miss in the same magnitude as we do I suppose. Much to my dismay. It seems unfair that both of us should feel such loss, like one of us isn't bad enough. David does all he can, it seems, to give me joy. To keep me from tipping over the edge. I won't lie, that edge seems mighty inviting, especially as of late. Anyhow, so the Twilight books have given me something to obsesse over, to keep my mind very occupied. I love them, and I love immersing myself in such make believe that it leaves little room for my reality. David's been kind to me. Letting me read and neglect him and the house and my other responsibilites to escape this reality. But, I'm on the waiting list at teh library for the third book. A few minutes ago a freind of mine sent me a link to an online version of the 5th book (Twilight written from Edwards perspective) and it's taking every ounce of strength not to sit down and read all 257 pages this afternoon, instead of cleaning. BUT, I owe David. So, I will clean today. Much to my dismay. My mother is coming on Saturday, so it's probably for the best anyhow.

About Twilight. If you are a huge fan, and are in the process of reading or haven't read the series yet, you may want to skip this paragraph unless you want a warning about a dead baby. But, I thought I would give a little warning to something that was not in the movie, but is in the book. Esme, tell's Bella about her baby dying a few days after birth. Esme flung herself off of a cliff (odd, I could relate!). That's the story behind how she became a Vampire. The paragraph isn't real detailed, but there is most certainly a dead baby and I wasn't warned, so it struck me. So, I didn't want anyone else to have to have that. Also, my girlfriend told me last night that in the 4th book Bella get's pregnant and they think it's a vamp baby. She says is pretty disturbing, and she doesnt' think I should read it. I'm going to anyway. I feel like if I am warned I can handle it, it's the surprises I don't like. So, thought she wrecked what seems like it would be a pretty major point in the book (and now I have too, sorry)...I am glad to be prepared for a pregnancy...and whatever else horrid thing may happen. BUT, aside from all of this, I LOVE the series (but, I dig fantasy books) and I think it tops my list of all time favorites.

I finished reading Elizabeth McCracken's book An Exact Figment of My Imagination. I don't really have an opinion of it. It isn't a self help book. It isn't a comfort book. The book isn't written to comfort anyone. It is simply her story. Kind of like a blog in a book. It's her timeline of how her baby died, what she said, did and felt. That's it. I enjoyed reading it. I related to a lot of it. Anyhow, I thought I'd pass the book along. So, the first person to comment and say they want it, I'll send it to them.

It's been three months. I am having a hard time grasping at that. THREE MONTHS! It doesn't seem possible. It makes me want to vomit when I think about it. I'm tired of that feeling. I can't put my thoughts into words. Most days I feel black. Most days I feel bruised and beaten. Most days I just want to forget these past 9 months. I'm starting to feel it now, that people think I'm over it...or that I should be. I know that I shouldn't be, so I don't really care about the others...but I'm starting to feel it. The city is allowing me to plant a tree in Logan's honor at the park I would have taken him to play in. I've decided on a Weeping Willow, I think. They'll plant it and install a plaque for me. I'm surprised at their eagerness. I didn't tell them my story. Just that it was for my son. I want a Weeping Willow because it seems appropriate. I want a large tree that would signify his presence in my life, and a playful one that would sway in the breeze to signify my child. There's something about Weeping Willows, they seem sad, dominant, whispy, strong...they seem like they should be from a little boy who missed out on life. The city said they can plant it the week of my due date (May 19th). We're not having a service or anything. Just the three of us, going to honor our little boy. Everyone else can visit on their own. But I am delighted that I can have exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it and that for a life to come (provided it doesn't die or get cut down) I will be able to drive by and see that enormous tree, and knwo that THAT tree is my sons tree. No one else's.

I had a whole lot more written, but my blogger died...so, I'm not retyping it. I don't have the energy.