"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Policy Change at U of M

The letter came today. The one from U of M telling me that they changed their policy about returning the ashes of donated babies (I didn't realize I had donated him). The one asking me if I wanted my child's ashes back. The one with the request for my address so that they could send him home via registered mail. I filled it out. Yes, I want his ashes returned. The letter will be in the mail tomorrow! That will be an interesting surprise in the mail the day my son is "sent" home. I wonder how I'll react to that? My husband found the letter in the mail. He "filtered" it for me. It's probably a good thing I didn't see that earlier today when I was having a melt down. I probably would have thought it was Logan's autopsy report and never opened it and cried even longer and harder than I already was just because it had come. This is so surreal to me. My son is going through the USPS. The postal system. What if they loose him? What if they damage him? You can't "insure" something like that. I guess that's the "registered" part of it. Nothing about any of this dead baby mess is normal or makes any sense. It's all very Sci-fi like. I wonder if that means he's "done". I had to respond before August, so I guess that means I'll have him by then at least. Sigh. I hope I made the "right" decision for us. I'm still not sure. I'm still not sure that I want him here, or in his own place. I just don't know. I'm so afraid I'll regret it if I leave him at U of M with the other babies. I'm so afraid I'll regret it if I bring him home. What will I do with him? What will seem less crazy or weird to me? My instinct is to have him here, to carry him around, to show him to people. Yes. That is so weird and crazy sounding. I know that. I feel like the crazy lady (or ape) who refuses to accept that her baby is dead and instead walks around singing to the dead baby and swaddling him like he is alive. Some days I feel insane. Some days I wish I was. This is such a weird spot to be. I shouldn't be deciding these things. I'm a young mommy with young children... I shouldn't be burying a child. I'm glad to be given the option for his return, but it has opened up an entirely new field of questions, concerns, worries, stress and emotions. But, I'm still glad. I don't know. Maybe I'll hold onto the form for a little bit. Maybe I'll mull it over some more. What if I loose the form? :s


Mrs. Spit said...

16 months later I still pick up Gabe's ashes off the shelf and hold them.

You are not crazy or weird or in any other way deficient. You are a grieving mother. Holding Logan's ashes is to hold him. And it is ok to feel this way.

Monica LeMoine said...

God, the things we deal with as stillbirth mommies, the things we have to think about. I would think doing what feels right to you would be the way to go, and not worry about whether it's crazy or weird or anything. Then again, I'm weird, so don't take my word for it. ;-) Hang in there, kiddo.

Monica LeMoine said...

just posted a comment - can't tell if it went through. dang!!!

caitsmom said...

I can't imagine. I don't think you are crazy or weird; it's clear you are a loving bereaved mother. Peace.

Carla Burlando said...

I totally get it. Where you are right now is such a horrible, wretched, insane place to be. Of course a part of you wants to love on and show off what you have left of your son. Thats what a mother does. And another part of you wants to go nowhere near the craziness of holding your sons ashes. We weren't, as moms, created for this mess.
I am glad that you are able to have Logan's ashes back, even though its a bit of a surprise for you. In a morbid way he's coming home. You can choose his final memorial. You will be the last one to touch and kiss his earthly remains. Maybe it will eventually help with closure..and when I say closure I don't mean forgetting because thats impossible...I mean healing I guess.
I was reading Job this morning. Not sure what drew me there but his laments remind me so much of yours. His crying out to God and his rock bottom misery. I found when I was in the grip of grief that reading some of the psalms (the ones where David is distraught) and reading Job helped at least give words to my agony. Hang in there mama.

Lea said...

You're right, this is all crazy, unimaginable and yet, we are forced to live with it every moment of every day.

Keep Logan close, if that's what you want.

We still have Nicholas' ashes. We talked about burrying him in the spring with my Grandma at our summer cottage. I felt so uneasy about that. I just can't imagine putting "him" into the cold, dark ground... isn't he better in his home, with his family?
It was my husband who said "there is no rule that we HAVE to bury him... we can keep him with us forever". Funny, I never thought of that as an option, but it's a hell of a more comforting one.

Peace to you, my dear. xo

Inanna said...

"That is so weird and crazy sounding. I know that. I feel like the crazy lady (or ape) who refuses to accept that her baby is dead and instead walks around singing to the dead baby and swaddling him like he is alive. Some days I feel insane. Some days I wish I was."

Yes. Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I know. I'm right there with you. I really am.

I'm glad he's coming home to you. He'll always always be in your heart, mama. That's where he lives now - and I so wish it could be different for you, for all of us who have had a baby born still... :(

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog and I think of you quite often. Even though, we do not know eachother, my heart aches for you. Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers...

Heather said...

We planned on spreading some of our son's ashes but haven't gotten around to doing it. I have a necklace that holds some of his ashes so I really can carry him everywhere. I think it helps me knowing where he is.

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