"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


April's Under the Tree Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child?
Logan died January 24, 2009. 3 months 6 days ago.

Has your grief changed at all?
I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I go through the grief cycle on a constant basis. I think mostly I'm just sad and angry. I'm sad that he died, angry that he had to, and angry that he was sick. I'm angry that people who abuse, murder and neglect their children get to have kids, and yet mine died. I don't get it. I spend a lot of time confused.

Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
Most days it's easier. I'm trying to accept it. I'm trying to believe that it was for the best. I'm trying to believe that it isn't the end, that I will be able to have more children and that no they won't necessarily have Down Syndrome. I'm starting to struggle with my age. I just turned 32 last week. I know that's not old, but most of the time DS is associated with age and if I can have a child with DS at 31...why not at 33 or 35?? So, my age is really starting to bother me. This next month would have been my due date. I'm starting to dread that a lot, and having two pregnant friends is hard.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
Mostly wistful. I'm happy for them, most of them. I'm glad to see that life does go on and that not all babies die. It's tough now, when I see or hear that someone is due when I should have been due. That makes me sad. But a lot of times I contemplate their lives. I mean, maybe she's had a few babies die. Maybe that's her rainbow baby. Maybe her baby is dead already. Maybe her baby is going to die. I certainly don't want to begrudge any woman a child, and I wouldn't wish a dead baby on my greatest enemy. So, I try not to assume that their lives are all sunshine and butterflies, because sadly it could be anything but that.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child?
This blog. I find so much comfort reading about other's stories, to see that they feel and say the same things that I do, at least close enough. It makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like I'm grieving the way I should be.

Do you go to counseling?
I've decided that if I don't see a difference by June I'll probably seek out some help.

Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be?
I write poetry, I scrapbook, I exercise, I read fantasy books and try to immerse myself in projects.

What helps you?
My greatest help has been this blog. Being able to get the ugliness out, getting encouraging words from others has really helped keep me from drowning. My husband is a great source of strength and comfort for me also. Knowing I am not alone, knowing he understands and knowing that even if he doesn't or can't he is willing to accept my grief the way that it comes. I love him for that.

2 comments:

Mary said...

I just want to thank you for suggesting that I blog. It has been so comforting to me. Although some days are harder than others to share them with people who truly understand is what I truly needed. Praying that today is better than yesterday.

Down's Heart Group said...

Heather,

My heart goes out to you as I remember the pain I felt at the loss of my precious Daniel who also had Down's Syndrome.

Although he survived to birth, he was only with us fourteen weeks all of which were spent in hospital during which time he had two surgeries.

All I can say is that it does get better, but it never goes away and having another baby will help but may also heighten some of the pain too at times. I had two children after Daniel, the first planned the second an accident and together with my eldest they are the most precious thing in my life (along with hubby of course, but I will never forget my special little one.

This year he would have been 20, so long ago and yet it seems like minutes in another way.
If you would ever like to chat, please email via Down's Heart Group, if it would help at all I'm here for you.

Penny Green
Down's Heart Group
www.dhg.org.uk

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