"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


I shouldn't be doing this

I keep thinking of the way things should be. I try not to, but they sneak up on me. Like today when I drove out to our huge mall, if I were the 38 weeks pregnant that I should have been...I wouldn't be driving anywhere that far. And I wouldn't have just gone to pick up my 120 lb lug of a dog from the groomers, since she needs a "lift" getting in the truck. Like when I accepted an invite to a party in June, when I would have declined because I would have had a 1 month old. I keep thinking about how I wouldn't be doing this or I would be doing that. Every time I take an Excedrin for a headache, or a pain pill for something, or eat Feta Cheese or lunch meat. Every time I poor Vodka in my soda. Every time I roll over onto my stomach to sleep. Every time I jump on the elliptical machine. Every time I think..."I shouldn't be doing this."

Just like this blog. I shouldn't be writing a blog about a dead baby.

12 comments:

Inanna said...

Yep. Had that thought just this morning about stomach sleeping. Lives shouldn't be measured in shouldn'ts... *sigh*

Mrs. Spit said...

No, you shouldn't. And every bit of this is unfair. Remembering with you.

Lea said...

So, so true..... there are so many should be's. I am so sorry, Heather.

Strength to you, my dear.

caitsmom said...

Me too. "I shouldn't be doing this." But, I'm helpless and I get pulled into the life I have whether I wish it or not. ((((hugs)))

janesk8 said...

It's amazing how many times some of those same thought have gone through my head...
I understand your pain.

Your writing is beautiful. Isn't blogging a great way to get your feelings out- without yelling at random people on the street!

Living With Loss said...

I understand. You're always reminded of what should have been or what would have been different right now. It's not easy, I get that.

Thinking of you.

Barbara said...

I know.

xxx

Rebekah said...

I'm so sorry. I understand. I think that most often when I'm in my garden. It's a place of beauty and peace for me and I've found it healing but I find myself wishing I didn't have time to have it I'd much rather watch my baby growing than the plants.

Michelle said...

I came across your blog from the T21 afghan project blog and wanted to express my condolences on the loss of Logan. I'm so very sorry for you loss.

Michelle said...

I just came over from the T21 afghan prject blog and wanted to express my condolences. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Sanchez Stories said...

You are not alone, but you say it much better than me!

Jen said...

I agree, but I am glad you write the blog anyway...it has been a help to me to know that I am not alone, a lot of your feelings are the same as I am having, don't think it is such a shouldn't be...but more a why do we have to?

Keep writing if it helps...

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