"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

It's too bad Aubrey's little brother had to die.

I'm not a tolerant person. I never have been, but I am far worse now. And to top it all off, I'm obsessive. I was reading this from Lea's blog when it reminded me of what my husbands grandmother said to me the other day...

"It's too bad Aubrey's little brother had to die. She likes company. There's still time for another one."

I didn't even respond. What do you say to something like that? Yea, it's a shame. She would have liked having him around. No kidding. Me too! She said that two days after she said this...

"Aubrey needs a brother or a sister Heather. Get busy!"

Because, after all, she's an only child because I haven't been busy.
Because, after all, she's an only child because I didn't TRY to give her a brother.
Because, after all, it's my fault she's an only child.

I have to "let it go" several times a day. The woman is 95. She doesn't think before she speaks. She's not malicious. This is what I tell myself several times a day. And they wonder why I can't bare to be around her anymore. We used to be very close. She's even had 2 miscarriages. She was very sad when Logan died. But she just can't keep her mouth shut.

And I just don't want to hear it.

Yes, my muffin needs a sibling. I tried. I really, truly did. He died. That's not my fault. And if it were up to me, she'd have a gaggle of siblings.


Lea said...

Oh Heather - this hits home (as you read). I am so sorry..... it's the last thing we need.


Emily said...

Heather, I know you probably hear this a dozen times a day, but I just wanted to tell you how much your blog is helping me get through a difficult period. I lost my little Leila 6 days ago - she was born at 20 weeks, and we were/are crushed. My son is 5 years old, and we had been trying for YEARS to give him a brother or sister. I'm not looking forward to those like your husband's grandmother, but they're out there, and they mean well. My mom keeps spewing over and over that Leila's in a better place - I know that, but am I so wrong to wish she was in my arms?

I'll continue to keep you and your family in my nightly prayers. May He grant you guys peace. Hugs!!!

Mary said...

I am shocked. Just shocked. I know that there are people out there with no filters. I know that when you get older you get to use the excuse that you have "lost" those filters. But being that the person speaking also lost children, they should know better. I'm sorry that was said to you.

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