"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

More dead babies...make it stop!!

I'm not a very good blog buddy.
I write my blog for me, and lately I have found that I avoid reading other's blogs. I think it's because I soak up everyone elses grief and add it into my own. I feel like I can barely handle the sorrow I have for my son, much less the sorrow I have for all of the other dead baby mommas and Daddy's. But today I was wandering through blog land. I clicked on a few names of people I didn't recognize who left comments on the usual blogs I visit. I have so many I like to follow that it takes me several hours to read through them all...and that's when I read every day or so. Anyhow, this may sound weird.
I know that I wasn't the last one to have a baby die. I know this in my head, but my heart can't accept it. I am always so dumbfounded when I find someone who is new to this. Like I can not believe that it happened AGAIN! And I find myself having a mental freak out or an internal panic attack and I can hear my brain screaming "WHY!? God!! Aren't you paying attention!? There are babies dying down here!! Do something!" And I want to cuss and scream for all of these families that are having to endure the unfathomable. That's how I think of baby death. Unfathomable. I still, after three plus months, can not wrap my head around it. I don't get it. I don't see how in this day and age there are sick and dying babies. I can't figure out how 50 years ago we put a man on the freaking MOON!! But, science STILL can't keep our babies alive. And every time I find a new dead baby momma I am grieved all over again. I am dumbfounded and speechless. Another one? Seriously? How does this keep happening? We can split atoms. We can split what ever comes of an already split atom. But, we can't prevent baby death.
Mostly lately I've been numb. And he's right...Numb is better. It's better than feeling like a zombie all day. It's better than feeling sick to my stomach all day. It's better than staying up till 4am because I'm afraid of my bed. Numb is better than feeling the pain in it's raw state. But, I know it'll be back. It comes in waves for me. I know that the grief will come crashing in on me and drown me once again. I don't think my DH and I are on the same wave though. He seems more blue than usual. We don't talk about it much. We've talked it to death. What is there left to say? "Hey, our son is still dead!" ... "Yup" ... "Still sucks!" ... "Yup" That's all I have. I wish I could fix it for him. I wish I could say something that would make it better. But, then I'd say it to myself too. It makes me feel just as helpless to see him as it does for him to see me I suppose.
Yesterday my 9 week pregnant girlfriend asked me if I was still going to throw her a baby shower with her mom. She threw one for me. She doesn't have any sisters, and I'm her closest friend. I had to tell her no. I felt like such a jerk. But I'm afraid. I'm a coward. I'm concerned that I'll flip out. I don't want to wreck it for her. I want her to feel free to enjoy her moment to it's fullest. I told her I would come, it would be hard, but I would suck it up because we're friends. I told her once we found out the gender, maybe things will be different. Maybe if she is having a girl it will be easier for me. But a little boy? No. I know that I can not do that. I've tried to buy her Maternity clothes. I had to tell her all of the things she thought I was saving to pass on to her...I was now hoarding. She seems understanding. I hope she is. She is so scared her baby is going to die. She has epilepsy, it happens. She has every right to be scared, and I can't help her not to be. I just try to tell her to hang on to the good that is now, and if something happens to that baby...we'll deal with it when it comes. I'll help her. Sigh. I'm terrified that her baby is going to die. She can probably hear it in my voice. She says to me "I don't feel sick, do you think something is wrong? They can't find the heart beat, I should get an ultrasound. I don't have discharge, do you think something is wrong?" I tell her no. I tell her all pregnancies are different. Everything is normal. But then I tell her if she wants another ultrasound, go get one. That much stress isn't good either. Sigh. I'm sorry that I have to be a reminder to her of the worse case scenario. My other prego friend is avoiding me. I try not to let it hurt my feelings, but it does. I wonder if I would have been scared too? I wonder if I would have avoided a dead baby momma.
I can't get past the feeling that I think people around me feel like I should be moving past this now. It starting to really piss me off. I find myself being very ugly and hateful towards the world these days. I find that I have little tolerance for people and even less patience. I've read that this is normal. I also get very bummed out about the dumbest things. Like right now, I'm waiting for my Twilight book series to arrive in the mail. For days I have genuinely felt sad that I can't go hide in those books. It felt good to be there. It was a relief that I welcomed, to be lost in a fantasy...far far away from my reality. I need a new project, but I don't feel like I have the umph for it. I'm been looking at the lawn. I keep thinking I should do something out there with that. But, I just get down thinking about all of the obstacles...so I never get started. I barely even clean my house anymore. I was never much for that before, but now I am really bad. And worse yet, I care even less. I know that it probably just adds to my husbands blues, but I can't seem to get past the guilt and do anything about it. And I loathe my dog. I mean true blue loathing. That makes me feel bad too. She needs to go. I need to find her another home...but that makes me sad too. I just want to be everything for everyone...and I get so down about it that I end up being nothing for everyone.
Anyhow, Echloe is the newest dead baby momma that I follow. She's about a week in. Swing on over and give her a hug too. She needs a lot right now.


Inanna said...

I'm only a month gone, and I'm having the same reaction... a mama who lost her baby just a week ago, and it's just SO devastating. Like, ohh nooooo not again, it can't be happening again. The statistics say there are 70 a day just in the US. That's staggering. Just... beyond words.

Kritta22 said...

Oh my heart hurts!

I wanna fix things too.

Echloe said...

So awful to be a part of this club that I never even realized existed. I hate that you have to deal with this too. That you lost your beautiful son and that you have to deal with your friend wanting a baby shower and all that. It sucks. Nobody should have to deal with this.

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