"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


Ugh, what is this feeling!?

Today I feel very weird.
I've noticed this feeling before. It seems to frequent me more often lately. I don't know how to describe it. Jittery? Maybe like I've had too much caffeine (and I haven't). Like any second I'm gonna freak out and turn into a crazy person. I mean REAL crazy. Head bobbing, drool coming out, shaking, mumbling and screaming incoherent things. Maybe an impending sense of doom? Anxious. My heart is racing, like I'm scared. The fight or flight thing. Too much adrenaline? I hate this feeling. It makes me edgy. I feel like I'm twitching. This past weekend was really stressful for me. Too stressful. I think I've developed a tick. Seriously. The left side of my face feels like its pulling. Like it's pulling my mouth down into a half frown. I can't control it. I can't see it. But, I can feel it. That developed on Sunday. My husband half jokingly wondered if i was having a stroke. I'm wondering if I should have it looked at. I can hear this conversation now..."Yeah doc. My face, it pulls down on the left. Like I'm frowning. No. You can't see it, but I feel it. OH! You think I'm a nut ball? OH! I have too much anxiety? It's crazy! My son died." Sigh. I feel like I have the shakes too, only I don't. Is this normal? [She asks half smiling] I feel like a freak lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm going off the deep end. I know that on the outside I appear normal. I know I don't look like someone who's son just died. Not IRL anyhow. But I think my brain is jacked up. I don't like feeling like any minutes something is going to jump out and get me. Or like I'm gonna fly off the deep end and attack someone. I've been trying to exercise to burn some of the anxiety off, but it's just getting more intense lately. It's starting to bug me.

5 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

You are having panic attacks. It's common. There's medication to help, and if you aren't already seeing a professional, they can help give you some coping strategies.

This too shall pass.

Ter said...

I have to tell you, I've had that feeling many times! It must be a grief thing.... so annoying.

Mary said...

I feel the same way. It's a constant I have to get to this or that place now. I have to get things done now. It's a now, now, now feeling. I don't know what to do with it. It's like an energy but I don't want to do anything. Too bad it doesn't burn calories.

Inanna said...

I used to have panic attacks - this sounds similar. Now I have "mini" ones (since I know what they are, I don't freak out as much and it stops the vicious cycle...)

But ya know... this is pretty typical PTSD symptom stuff. And if what we've gone through isn't a "traumatic experience" I don't know what else would qualify! :x

Carla said...

My vote is you are having some major anxiety issues,...and given the situation I'd say its justified and normal. I remember feeling like I was going bonkers most of the time. I was aware that I was an emotional irrational mess but still felt unable to change it. People expect moms who loose babies to feel sad (although some think you should get over it "after all you really didn't even have a chance to bond"...sarcasm and disdain inserted here) but people don't expect or allow moms to feel all sorts of "crazy" things after the loss of a baby. There is a whole wide range of "normal" feelings...sucky , wacky, down right awful...but normal. although it wouldn't hurt to see a dr. too...just in case your husband is right ;)

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