"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

The Tree

I bought Logan's tree today.
A Weeping Willow.
I didn't see "this" coming. This ghastly feeling. I was trying to be all business like about it, but before I left the house I was compelled to write in Logan's journal. Very compelled. All I could think of was that I couldn't give my son life...so I gave him a freakin' tree! A TREE!! And the tree that I picked out seems like a cliche...weeping... It has no idea. I get there, and the guy that the city recommended for me to see was someone I knew back in the day. We worked together when I was barely 18, for a short summer. The name rang a bell on the phone, but it was a common name...I knew him the moment I walked through the doors, he recognized me too (so there was no hiding). It threw me off my game. As I explained to him why I was there (they don't sell to the public) I couldn't look him in the eye. It bugged me that I couldn't. Every time I said "memorial tree" or "my son" I looked away. I hate that I couldn't look someone in the eye when I was talking about my son. But it was even harder to look someone in the eye who knew me when I was lighter, bubblier, unscathed. He was great about it, did and said all of the appropriate things...it was just weird. I felt like I was dealing with enough, but then for it to be with someone I once knew... It was off. The nice thing was that I trusted his word and judgment on the tree. I couldn't look at the tree's. I kept staring at the root balls, and at the trunks...but I couldn't look up at the "weeping" part of the tree. It took me two weeks to even go pick out the tree... Like I was dreading it. Admitting, again, that my son died.
I feel like being stupid today. Reckless. Good thing I don't know where to go to base jump or parachute or something. I'd love to outrun this sadness. The DH is out with friends after work. Man I wish I was there getting plastered out of my mind! Well, not there...not with people we know. Guess I'll go mow the freakin' yard instead, because after all...life goes on, right?


caitsmom said...

It is an odd feeling, buying a tree for our children. I took over a year to get it done, and probably wouldn't have if we hadn't received it as a gift. I'm so sorry. It's not right.

Inanna said...

Yeah it goes on. And on and on and... :(

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