I just wanted my teeth cleaned

I went to the dentist today. As I walked into the waiting room the receptionist says to me "Is that a baby you got in there!?" Meaning, apparently, that my pudgy stomach still makes me look newly pregnant. Yay. As if I didn't feel down enough. Before I could think about what I was saying, I said "No. Just had one." Ok, I know 4 months isn't JUST, but whatever. As soon as I said it I wished I would have stopped at "No." or better yet, cancelled the blasted appointment I wasn't in the mood to be at to begin with. The two ladies behind the desk began they're onslaught of typical new baby questions. I found myself rubbing the top of the counter as my face turned about 15 shades of red before I said "No. My baby didn't make it." to which one lady replied how sorry she was and to which the other idiot said "well, I'm sure IT'S in a better place!" to which I replied "Well, I don't know that I agree with that." and awkwardly walked to my chair where I turned and said "IT was a boy." IT? Did she seriously call my baby an IT? I was embarrassed. Or maybe ashamed. I don't know. I don't know if I was ashamed to show emotions in public to perfect strangers, or if, as my husband suggested I was embarrassed for them and their awkwardness. Guess I'll be the topic of conversation at dinner tonight. I hate that. I hate that I feel weird about it. I wish I could look people square in the face when I tell them my son died. But I can't. I always look down or away. It's not my fault he died. But I guess deep down inside I know it was my faulty egg. My body that didn't do it's job. My body that let my son down. And maybe not because of anything I did outright, but because it was just a bad month. A bad egg. And for that, perhaps I feel shame, guilt...something. It isn't logical. Anyhow, the two ladies went about whispering (for real?? I didn't bother to look up), I'm sure about who was to spread the "news" to my hygienist. Then the idiot one decided it was appropriate to make small talk with me in an overly cheery voice about the stupid weather. "Oh, sheesh. Your baby died? Is it still cold out? Looks like rain." DUH. I knew I shouldn't have gone today. I just didn't want to go. Then, while I'm in the hygienists chair, I have to fill out my questionnaire about my current health. Last time I was there I wrote that I was pregnant. There it was. Staring at me. So, in this visit's column I wrote "Stillborn". I don't know why. I doubt they needed to know that. But it was almost like I needed a period after pregnancy. It ended. There is no baby at home. My usually very chatty hygienist was fairly quiet today. I don't know if it's because the receptionists told her, or if she saw what I wrote, or if she was just tired. I don't really care. I was glad she didn't want to chat. I didn't want to chat either. I just wanted my teeth cleaned.