"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Drama at the park!

Sorry. Some of you read faster than I can edit my post. This is MY MUFFIN and my idiot dog. I was taking a picture, we were the only ones there and I wasn't really that far away. having said that...here's the story behind this picture!

This is the park I picked out to have my son's memorial tree planted. It's a park right down the street from our home. The park I would have taken my son to play, just like I take my daughter to play there. I met with the guy from my city's DPW, they'll be planting the tree for us. I went last week and picked out a real nice Weeping Willow. I've decided to have it planted just beyond the swing set here in the photo. There will also be a plaque. He said it will be about 3 weeks before he can get it planted. I was hoping for next week (my Due date) but it took me too long to go pick out the tree. It doesn't really matter when it gets planted. We're not going to have a service or anything, we're not going to be there when it's planted. We're just going to go on our own, just the three of us, and see it once it's planted. We had to come up with what we wanted on the plaque last night so that it would be ready for today. I had a really hard time with this. Everything just seemed so trite. I didn't want some hokey poem or saying. I didn't want the stupidly obvious either (remembered always...duh!). In the end we decided on his name, the date he was still born and this "Wanted. Loved. Missed" and then on the bottom the verse from 2 Samuel 12:23 "He shall not return to me, but I shall go to him." That was my husbands idea, and I think it fit. I think those two phrase embody everything I feel about this. He is wanted, desperately. I'd have traded most anything to have him. He is loved and he is terribly missed. And no, he's not coming back...but hopefully...maybe...I'll go to him. I didn't have a melt down while at the park. I thought I would. I planned on it. But, graciously enough I did not. I already had the spot picked out. I had the plaque request typed up. I'd exercised on my way to try to burn off some of the stress of the situation. The tree was already picked out and paid for. I just had to point. It wasn't so bad. It wasn't so hard. And then, just because the universe has a sick sense of humor, my morning went south very quickly (click on story link at the top to read about that)! Anyhow, I've had a lot on my mind lately. Future babies, friends babies, baby showers, maternity clothes, memorial trees, due dates... it's all wreaking havoc on my mental state these days. I still cry, now and then, but not the whaling, gut busting, heart wrenching sobs I used to cry. Mostly I just think about all of this with a numb sadness that aches, and never completely goes away. And then I get pissed.


Ter said...

they left their dog to babysit the baby? Doesn't that just make you want to grab the baby and RUN!


(at least that's what I'm assuming the pic is about based on the title of this post. If that's your daughter then I shall kick myself for being dumb)

Ter said...

I'm one of those people who read faster than you edited! :) sorry about that. I was hoping hoping that it was your little girl and not a baby left behind by someone!

I think it will be the perfect place for a tree in your son's honor. You'll have to get photos of it when the time comes.

You just reminded me of something that I thought about doing... going to look into it more...

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