The Tree

I bought Logan's tree today.

A Weeping Willow.

Sigh.

I didn't see "this" coming. This ghastly feeling. I was trying to be all business like about it, but before I left the house I was compelled to write in Logan's journal. Very compelled. All I could think of was that I couldn't give my son life...so I gave him a freakin' tree! A TREE!! And the tree that I picked out seems like a cliche...weeping... It has no idea. I get there, and the guy that the city recommended for me to see was someone I knew back in the day. We worked together when I was barely 18, for a short summer. The name rang a bell on the phone, but it was a common name...I knew him the moment I walked through the doors, he recognized me too (so there was no hiding). It threw me off my game. As I explained to him why I was there (they don't sell to the public) I couldn't look him in the eye. It bugged me that I couldn't. Every time I said "memorial tree" or "my son" I looked away. I hate that I couldn't look someone in the eye when I was talking about my son. But it was even harder to look someone in the eye who knew me when I was lighter, bubblier, unscathed. He was great about it, did and said all of the appropriate things...it was just weird. I felt like I was dealing with enough, but then for it to be with someone I once knew... It was off. The nice thing was that I trusted his word and judgment on the tree. I couldn't look at the tree's. I kept staring at the root balls, and at the trunks...but I couldn't look up at the "weeping" part of the tree. It took me two weeks to even go pick out the tree... Like I was dreading it. Admitting, again, that my son died.

I feel like being stupid today. Reckless. Good thing I don't know where to go to base jump or parachute or something. I'd love to outrun this sadness. The DH is out with friends after work. Man I wish I was there getting plastered out of my mind! Well, not there...not with people we know. Guess I'll go mow the freakin' yard instead, because after all...life goes on, right?