"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


5 months

Five months have passed.

Seems impossible. Seems irrelevant too. It doesn't seem to matter how much time has passed since Logan died. I don't know why I bother counting the days, the weeks and now the months. I'm sure I'll count the years too. It doesn't seem to matter that any time at all has passed, because he is still dead. I'm not sure what I am counting to. Will I say at the ripe old age of 92 (should I be blessed/cursed enough to live that long) that my son should have been 60? That he should have been a parent himself? A grandfather even? That he should have lived a long and happy life? Will I, at 92, still see my son as the tiny, tiny baby who left me before he had a chance to live, and not the old man that he should have been?

At 92, will I still be the mother to a dead baby? Yea. I'll always be that I suppose.

I find myself settling down into this role (on most days). I find myself admitting that perhaps I am too old, and that I shouldn't have been having babies at 31. Science is still iffy on that, but I have the proof of what society constitutes a woman being too old to have a baby is. I have a baby with Down Syndrome. I have a baby who died because I was too old to give him a healthy egg to start out with. At 31 years old, I am an old woman. Go ahead and laugh. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But by all accounts our good eggs vs. bad eggs are what make us feel young vs. old right? Isn't that what we grow up hearing? Your eggs are too old, you shouldn't try. I just didn't realize that at 31 it was possible that I was too old. I mean, I guess you can be too old at 19, or even 16, or if your lucky not till your 45 or more aged. Eggs have an expiration date. Did you know that? Mine have expired. My chances are pretty good that I'll have more bad eggs. Apparently they don't all go at once. That's a nice perk. Now having a baby is a crap shoot. A 1 in 100 chance that my next egg will fail us too.

I wonder if my expiration date was posted somewhere...would he have chosen me anyhow? Would he have chosen this amount of anguish had he known before hand? Would he have chosen me regardless of his horrid future, his eternal pain over the loss of a son he was promised and then so cruelly told "psych!" to? Would I have wanted him to have chosen me anyhow?

I'm too young to feel so old.

10 comments:

Emily said...

Oh, Heather. I hate that we have to go through this!!! You'll always be Logan's mommy, even when you live to be 157. But I wonder if you won't regret not trying again after him on your 157th birthday. A 1% chance is still a 99% chance that you'll have a healthy baby. And those are still some pretty good odds.

You'll make the decision that's right for you and your family. We're praying for guidance for you, as well as peace. Always praying for you. ((hugs))

PS - no expiration dates (wouldn't life be so much harder with a constant reminder of when ____ would be over?)

angie said...

I am so so sorry. Five months. All these months are hard, but some months are particularly hard. the other week we had a yard sale, and I was talking to my pregnant neighbor and a woman came up and asked her if she were pregnant. She said Yes. And the woman said, "I had nine children. Two of my babies died, but I loved them like they lived." And then she went on to tell us she were 86. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't say my baby had died too, but yes, at 92, I suspect you will still tell people about Logan, and I will about Lucy. With love, Heather.

Julie said...

I do not believe that anyone is too old to have babies at 31. Having a baby with Down syndrome doesn't mean that all your eggs will be affected by the extra chromosome. Age is only one of the factors that affect your eggs. Did you know that in 5% of cases the chromosomal defect comes from the man. I don't know how that fact is revealed.
Of all the children I personally know of with Down syndrome, only about 3 out of 12 have mothers who delivered them past 40. The stats are 80% of children born with Ds have mothers under 35 and more than 50% mothers are in their 20's.
I want to encourage you to not give up because of fear of another baby with Down syndrome. I know many parents who tell me that their little one with Ds is the light of their life. They have a way of getting right into your heart. I know that these very special people are often medically fragile, you have first hand experience of that, and so have I. Life expectancy is now around 55 years, we have had huge medical advances.
5 months is really such a short time, you will always know the grief of being a babylost mama, but at this time it is so hard and raw and you are probably still in shock. Please give yourself more time, and please go easy on yourself.

Shelley said...

I think Julie is a wise woman. God speed...

Lea said...

Heather - thinking of you and Logan, especially on these extra difficult days.

Mrs. Spit said...

Julie said it best. But, if it would help, I know a couple that had Sarah-Joy, with Downs, and a son without, 2 or 3 years later.

And I will tell you that the notion of an expiry date takes my breath away.

Barbara said...

5 months. The blink of an eye and a whole lifetime.

I find myself wishing I was your age these days Heather... goodness don't give up yet, 31 is YOUNG!

I want to point you to this blog post, don't be put off by the over 40 aspect of it, there's a lot of interesting information on this site that quite frankly gives me hope that my own eggs aren't yet shrivelled and useless!

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2009/04/egg-quality-determined-24-48-hours.html

Aunt Becky said...

Holding you close today and always. Sending kisses to Logan.

Merri said...

I lost my Sammy at home a little over two weeks ago. I was so upset to have to deliver him unexpectedly at home by myself, but reading about your little man being delivered by mail in a tupperware bowl makes me at least a bit grateful it happened that way. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am so broken, and your words encompass what I feel so well. Will we ever be normal again?

Busy Momma said...

thank you for your comment Heather, and I have sending you big hugs for now and all the hard times to comes.

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