"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.


How could I not risk it again?

A co-worker of my DH is 3 months pregnant. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but we were pregnant at the same time, and she found out her baby was dead about a month before I did. Sadly her baby died early on and her body just wouldn't accept it. M had a miscarriage. It was also her second baby. Then the other night my husband had a dream that she was pregnant, and when he told her, she informed him that she really was, three months along. He told me at dinner on Saturday. I teared up which made him feel like a jerk. I'm happy for her, I really am. If anyone deserves a baby it's someone who's had a baby die. I don't know why it made me cry. Maybe it's because I want to be at that stage where I can move on too. I'd like to try to get pregnant with out the fear. I'd like to try to get pregnant with out feeling like I'm betraying Logan, or that I'm trying to replace him. David said that his initial reaction is always to be happy, but it is quickly followed by fear. I had to agree. Most of the time I am ecstatic when I hear about someone getting pregnant, or giving birth...but then I get scared for them and their innocence, and then I am sad that I have that reaction, and then I re-live the sorrow of holding my sons lifeless body. I go through waves. Some days I feel like I may die if I don't have another child. Other days I wonder how I will ever feel comfortable trying again. And then other days I wonder why I am so selfish that I am crazy enough to risk my heart and tempt fate again, and still other days I wonder why I am not adamant to take the risk since having a child has filled us with such an enormous amount of pleasure...how could I not risk it again??

2 comments:

Ter said...

My fear prevented me from ttc again and now it is too late. I will never know now if I could have had a live child with the help of my blod pressure medication, heparin and being closely monitored. Part of this was also because I could not SEE myself having a child, you know? I mean, up until I had my daughter, I pushed those uneasy feelings aside because I really wanted to be a mom, and after I lost my daughter, I just could not ignore those bad feelings.

Anyway, I hope that you will find the answer for you, and that if you decide to ttc again, I hope that you will have a successful pregnancy and a rainbow baby in the end. I know that it will never take away the pain you have for your son, but if it's right for you, then goodness knows you deserve that happiness of having another child.

Cristin said...

I awared you the Amazing Lady Award on my blog.

This award is presented to those ladies who simply amaze others by their strength and courage. So many people give up when life gets tough, but so many keep fighting.


You are amazing and inspire so many!

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