"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

The elliptical machine is making me cry!

I had a mini breakdown on the elliptical today. I don't know why. Maybe I'm frustrated that I can't seem to loose any weight even though I am trying the best that I can. Maybe it was the release of stress and tension and emotions that I thought I was coping with, but maybe am just hammering down into submission. Maybe when I exercise it all bubbles to the surface. It makes it hard to breathe when you're doing cardio...and sobbing. I wasn't thinking about Logan, but I just started to sob. Sometimes I feel like that with rage too. I won't be thinking about anything in particular and I'll feel this overwhelming sense to throw something through the window. Not just throw, but hurl it with as much effort as I can muster.

What do you do when there is more rage and sorrow than one body can hold?

My daughter bit my lip today when I kissed her. It really just seemed to fit.

I wanted to thank all of my cyber buds who send me such love and encouragement. You guys are one of the things that keeps me together. Most days I think I'm doing ok. But there is always that sneaking, gnawing feeling that at any moment I might flip out! I feel like I walk a tight rope. I walk a steady, and very thin line, daily. I think my husband gets it too. He seems to know when to grab ahold of me. Or maybe he's walking that same line and when I stumble there's no wear to fall but into him.


Aunt Becky said...

I've constantly had trouble losing weight after a pregnancy. I'm sorry that it's making you cry. I'm just sorry.

Mia hat eins mehr! said...

Dear Heather, I found yours and Logans story through the T21 Afghan. I lost my little babygirl a little bit more than 1 year ago. I know there is nothing that can anyone tell or do that can help you feeling better as I walked the same way. Another bereaved mom told me what I`ll tell you now: It is getting better. Slowly, sometimes 1 step forward, 2 steps back - but in the long run you`ll will smile when you think of Logan instead of crying and the rage you feel will go away. You will be changed, forever, though. Nobody told us how to handle this in our lifes, and we walk through the dark, not knowing what comes next.

But please, please believe me. It will get better.

Sending you a big hug from Germany

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