"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Of course it's a boy...

Of course she's having a boy. Why not?

My friend, the first one who is pregnant (since I have two pregnant friends) text everyone to tell them of her happy news...she's having a boy!! I don't begrudge anyone their perfect baby or their happiness. I just wished, for my own personal selfish sake, that it was a girl she was having. A girl I can handle. I'm not so sure I can handle buying baby boy stuff for her shower, going to a shower that is boy themed, seeing and holding her precious, perfect baby boy...exactly 40 weeks after my own precious baby boy lay dead in my arms. I don't know how I will cope with watching her little boy grow up, knowing mine never will. Knowing they would have been friends. Knowing we would have gotten together for play dates with our boys. Wanting so bad for that little boy to be mine.

Why couldn't she have a girl? Is it too much to ask not to be kicked over and over and over again? Is it too much to ask that God leave a little of my soul intact, that he let me heal, that he stops ripping the scab off on a regular basis?

Today, I really want to hold my son.
He should have been 2 1/2 weeks old now.

When will I stop feeling like I am detached from my own existance?


Mrs. Spit said...

Time Heather, time.

It often helps me to remember that the baby shower is weeks away, and I can worry about it when it comes. Maybe, when it comes, I will be ready, and maybe I won't, and I will simply explain why I'm not up to attending.


Tracey said...

Oh that is so hard, I'm sorry. I wish I had the answers to your questions, or even good words - but I don't. But know I am thinking about you - hearing this news must have been so painful.

Emily said...

Heather, keep your chin up, know that we're praying for you, and loving you. Lately the verse that keeps rolling through my mind is "God is my strength and my shield". May God hold you up through this, and shield you from any additional pain.

Don't you wish there were some magic words?

caitsmom said...

Sending big hugs. Be gentle with yourself. It's OK to feel these emotions. I find that when I express them, they tend to lose their power over me and it makes room for the compassionate person I can be. I hope that this entry can do that for you. And, you know what if it doesn't that's OK too. There is no time limit on grief. Give yourself the time you need. Sending hugs, love, and Peace.

"numb_was_better" said...

I'll let you know when I get there. I'm still waiting.

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