Seeing Logan's Tree for the first time

This odd feeling seems to be the norm lately.  The shadowy, gnawing ache.  Sometimes it comes front and center, but most times these days its been hanging out in the background, vaguely reminding me that I'm hurt.  I'm not fond of it, but it is certainly better than being in the gut wrenching pain all of the time.

After almost exactly 8 months since Logan's death, his tree finally made it into the ground at the park down the street.  We went and visited it yesterday for the first time, on our anniversary.  It just seemed appropriate to me.  The tree wasn't planted exactly where I wanted it (close to the toddler playscape) its off to the right a little, and away from the playscapes.  I think the tree is better off in that location, further away from idiotic teens who are known to linger in the park and make trouble.  The tree looks nice.  I couldn't  help but feel like its presence was insignificant.  A sad replacement.  "I couldn't give you life baby, so here's a tree."  I don't know.  It just seemed...lame.  I have trouble convincing myself that the tree is to let the world know that there was a little boy here, and not a ridiculous replacement of him.  David appreciated the tree.  He felt like I did a good job.  I stood there a minute, alone, and contemplated.  I felt more apologetic than anything I guess.  I just kept thinking I was sorry.  Sorry I couldn't make it work, sorry I couldn't save him, sorry he wouldn't get to experience life, sorry that I planted this dumb tree...just sorry for everything.

I pushed Aubrey on the swings while David took a few minutes to himself at the tree.  It seemed odd.  Aubrey has no clue.  "Hey mom, we're at the park, let's swing!!"  Like I could explain to her why we were really at the park.  The day was riddled with oddities, the visit at the park no exception to that.  A young girl, maybe 8 or so, came riding up on her bike and started asking all sorts of questions about the tree.  Did you plant that tree?  Why?  Why would you plant a tree when you son dies?  How old was he?  So you only knew him for a few days?  Oh.  You didn't even get to hold him? (I left out that detail)  What was wrong with him?  What's that?  Are you sad?  Well at least you have her.  You can have another one.  Where is he?  (Ok, this info was a bit much for her perhaps but I didn't know what else to say, I was in shock).  She wouldn't go away.  Here we are trying to find peace, trying to not attack the tree in our fury, trying not to have a mental breakdown in the middle of a park and this little girl wouldn't go away!!  We eventually left because she was so annoying.  The night went on to give more and more odd things to me.

But, the tree is in and that makes me relieved, if nothing else.  Relieved its over with, the waiting anyway.  Now for the ashes...