"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

I just wanted to go to the zoo

I read this today and it got me to thinking about my trip to the zoo over this past weekend.

I took the Muffin to the zoo (you can see pic's here) on Sunday with my cousin and her family. I like to experience new things with my daughter and I was excited to go and see her 18 month old reaction to all of the different animals (and I was not disappointed). The thing is, we hadn't been there but a few minutes, when I got punched in the face again. I say punched, because I still feel like it's a sucker punch, and not a pang or a twinge or something less harsh. We were in the aquarium. It was large, but not huge. Still, a good size and packed to the gills (no pun intended). I'm hanging out with my Muffin, holding her up so that she can check out the fish and other sea creatures and my cousin is nearby. We're talking and chillin' and pointing and enjoying ourselves. And then...

"Logan! Get back here!"

I couldn't help it! I looked. I had to see what he looked like. Dark hair, maybe 4 or 5, typical little boy. Why?? Why now? Why here? I'm just trying to enjoy my time at the zoo with my daughter.

I hate that I noticed. And I hate that my cousin noticed that I noticed. I hate that I had to text my DH and tell him. I hate that I thought about him all day, that I missed him even more, that I wondered what that day would have been like with him there too. Wondered if I would have even been there since he should have technically only been 2 months old.

Of course it seemed like they followed us around all day as our paths crossed several times. The Toledo Zoo is not small! Hearing it once should have been weird enough, but hearing it a dozen times that day?? Well, that's just the universe being cruel to me again.

It changes us, this grief. It changes how we enjoy things, how we see things. It changes how we talk, how we listen, and how we feel about life in general. I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for any of this, but I certainly didn't realize how grief was going to change me, how it continues to change me, to shape who I am and how I behave.

I just wanted to go to the zoo with my daughter.


Emily said...

I was wondering how long it would take for me to start "assigning" Leila to other children. My first time was Thursday at Andrew's first karate class. A little girl, long brown hair and brown eyes. I pretended for a minute.

Sooner or later, this has to get better. Doesn't it?

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