"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

OPB (other people's babies)

I did it. I held a newborn. Even more so, I held the little girl my cousin was pregnant with when I was pregnant with Logan (born a month later). She was 6 tiny weeks old. So tiny (8lbs 6oz), so precious, so perfect...so alive. Surprisingly I didn't react or "feel" anything weird. There was a small tinge for my sweet baby when I first took her into my arms. She was so small, I immediately thought about how small Logan was. I held her on three different occasions. I wanted to take her. I wanted to protect her from her idiot mother. I looked for her all afternoon at the wedding, stealing glances every chance I got. Like I craved seeing her. I did it though, no tears, no freak out, no kidnapping. The last time I held her it occurred to me that her and Logan would have been so close in age, that I should have been there holding my two month old...that threw my heart into a tailspin, and it was also the last time I held her. But I think I did ok. I think I did ok because she was a girl...a boy might have been a very different story. It made my heart ache for him though. Holding that tiny little bundle of warmth and innocence in my arms. Watching how my daughter reacted to this tiny baby that was stealing her mother's attention away from her. I also had the very distinct feeling that everyone was watching, waiting... I felt compelled to hold her. I debated, but then I reached out for her and the moment she was in my arms (well, the moment after the initial twinge) I relaxed. I know I surprised my DH and a few others. I always feel like the crazy lady everyone is keeping a leery eye on.

I also watched TNT's HawthoRNe today (on TiVO) episode 3 or 4 I think. A homeless mother had her newborn son taken away and placed into foster care with out her knowing it, and she screamed "I didn't get to say goodbye!!" and collapsed into a heap of tears...and so did I. Stuff like that takes my breath away everytime. I didn't get to say goodbye either.


Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you - that's a big step.

Mary said...

Heather I am glad it wasn't as bad as you had anticipated. So very proud of you too. One step closer to healing.

I too watch Hawthorne. I felt that twinge when she said those words. Moments like those hurt even more now.

Jen said...

good for you...my family watches me like that too...not as closely as they first did...but still they watch.

I agree, same sex as your baby is harder...for me even seeing little girls 2-3 years is hard.


Michele said...

I remember holding infants and it did take my breath away... But I was always happy that I did...

thinking of you..

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