"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

The words are stuck

I know its the milestone (6 months) that's creeping up on me this Friday, but I am a mess. I go from a weeping pile to a freaked out, delusional, crazy lady. My cycle is messed up, which isn't helping. I've never had a messed up cycle. I've ever only been late three times in my life. The first time my DH swears I counted wrong (and was over 8 years ago), the other two times...I was pregnant. So here I am...4 days late. I know, you can laugh, it seems ridiculous. But my mind is swirling. I actually started on Thursday, and stopped a day later. That's never happened to me before. But I've become obsessed again. What if I'm pregnant? It's not possible, we've prevented. What if I'm not pregnant...because clearly I WANT another baby. Back and forth I go. I should just take a stupid test and get it over with, stop freaking out about it. But the truth is...I don't want to find out. I'm afraid of the truth, which ever one it may be. And I'm afraid that my cycle is screwed up for the first time ever. It happens though. Pregnancy throws every ones body into a loop. I have to imagine having a stillborn in the middle of gestation isn't "natural" and must screw your body up. Sigh. I have so many thoughts, and words, and emotions flailing about inside my head, but they all seem to get stuck just short of coming out. It's making me nutty.

This weekend is my brother's wedding. David's in the wedding, so we'll be going "back home" on Thursday or Friday. Friday. THE DAY. 6 months. I've mixed emotions over this. I'd like to be at home, safe under my covers when this day strikes me in the face...but maybe it'll be nice not to be. Maybe it'll be nice to "get away" and enjoy a mini vacation of sorts. I'm trying like hell to make it into one. We're staying in a B&B, so that's exciting. I like "staying" places. I'm hoping I don't mope around the whole weekend. I'm hoping I can slide through the days with only sideways glances at my grief. I'm hoping I don't notice the day...but I find that doubtful.


margaret said...

Six months came with a feeling of disbelief for me. How could I have survived this long? It feels like the longer it gets, the farther away my son is. I hate it. The world should have stopped when our babies died, only to start again when we're ready. Hugging you...and remembering Logan.

Barbara said...

About 6 months after losing George I had one monster cycle. 44 days long! Since then my cycles have settled down and are as regular as clockwork again. Apparently this is quite common.

But take the test so you can get used to whatever is happening!

George's due date was worse, in anticipation, than any date on the calendar. And I think it is more the anticipation of these milestones than their passing. Every so often I look at his letters page at the clock that counts how long I've been without him... yup, love to torture myself... and he feels so far away.

Thinking of you honey and sweet Logan.


angie said...

I found six months particularly difficult, Heather. Both the longest and shortest six months of my life. Holding you close and remembering Logan with love.

Emily said...

(holding my breath and turning red)...

Would you take a test already!?!?!

Heather, as always, we'll be praying for you. I wish you could be here to hear my little Andrew lift your name up to God.

I hope you have fun at the wedding. We'll miss you here. Will you be posting your question of the week early?

Michele said...

As each month passes, I often wonder how the hell did I get to this point. It's been over 17m since Nick and Sophie were born and then died, and almost 8 since Alex was born and died. I cant believe that much time has gone by. It hurts so much sometimes I cant breathe.

As to POAS, go ahead and take it... It will settle your mind to know either way.

Aunt Becky said...

Sending you love and light. Sending kisses to Logan.

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