"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows

Why We're Here...

My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.

Whew! Right?

Thank you guys. Your reassuring comments are helpful.

I took the test this morning. 1 pink line. So...I'm not pregnant. Which is great. And that sucks. But honestly I have to say I'm not ready. I've rejected taking my pills for the past 6 months. Like my rebellion makes it better. And since I'm high risk for Spina Bifida, the fact that I quit taking my folic acid scared me. So, guess I'll be taking those again. I have too much to worry about already, and adding my fear of SB on top of it because I was an idiot and quit taking my pills is just foolish. Plus, I realized last night that this is the same time that I got pregnant with Logan, which means that had I have been pregnant now I would be due in May...the same time as Logan. I don't want that. Plus I feel like Logan's loss is still just to fresh for me and my grief is too raw to be able to enjoy the prospect of another child at this moment. So, though I feel sad, I think I am more relieved and if nothing else I sure have talked myself into believing that it's better this way. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a messed up cycle. I really worked myself in to a tizzy. I made an appointment the other day to get in with a new Ob/Gyn in a couple of weeks. I really need to get my hormones checked.

I will be taking my laptop with me this weekend, so I'll be sure to add a new question of the week to The Dead Baby Club Blog on time. Plus, I've gotten pretty good at mobile blogging. Yeah, I'm a dork, you can laugh.


Emily said...

Yeah, you're a dork. But you're OUR dork, and we love ya!

Congratulations? And I'm sorry?

lots of ((hugs))!

Catherine W said...

If it was possible to congratulate you and commiserate with you simultaneously that is what I would do. Yippee and boo hoo together.

I don't know. I think it would have been very hard for you to be due with a new baby in May, the same time as Logan. Hopefully the ob/gyn will be able to help to sort out your hormones.

And mobile blogging? Told you that you were the expert! xx

Barbara said...

I'm glad you're feeling more reassured.

For a while I was convinced I'd gone into menopause, until my Dr told me not to be so silly!

Ha! Nothing wrong with being a dork!


Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog and wanted to say how sorry I am about Logan.

Mary said...

Heather, I have that same feeling of wanting to have a baby and yet relieved not to be pregnant yet. It hurts all the same. Praying for you.

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