"You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way." -Counting Crows
Why We're Here...
My husband David and I delivered a stillborn Baby Boy that we loved, and wanted. Our first and only son, Logan, had Down Syndrome. Our daughter's smile is a little light in the darkness. She turned one year old three days after our sweet Logan tip-toed away on January 24, 2009. After 2 1/2 years we found out we were having another baby, whom we affectionatly called Rudy. Just shy of 6 weeks we found out Rudy was Ectopic. Rudy was surgically removed on May 26, 2011 delivering another blow to our already broken hearts.
The day my son died, my faith also died.
And that scares me, and it makes me feel hopeless.
And I am so full of envy for you woman who have managed to find comfort in God and hold on to your faith. I am mystified by it.
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4 comments:
Heather, I hope your faith didn't die. It's probably just dormant while you're struggling through this. I pray for you *all the time*, sister. Things on this earth rarely make sense. We see through the glass darkly here. But someday we'll all have that "a-ha" moment, where we understand the whys.
Whether you love God right now or not, He still loves you deeply. And so do I.
I'll never stop praying for you.... :')
Oh Heather. I don't know what to say.
I wasn't sure in my faith before I lost my daughter. I'm not sure now.
I hope that you can regain the faith you had before you lost your son, Logan. But I know that hoping isn't enough. I know it might be impossible to regain that certainty. I wish I could hold on to a solid faith rather than this flickering thing I've been left with.
Love and hugs to you xx
((((hugs)))) I may get skewered, but I don't think it's bad that your "faith" died. Like everything else, all of us gets blown apart and we put the pieces back together, but sometimes in a different place and sometimes we discard some of the pieces. My religious faith has transformed. I had no return to what I once held without doubt. I don't think that those who have retained their faith hurt any less than those who have transformed it (or didn't have it to begin with). I read their blogs and prayers and lamentations, and death hurts no matter what you believe. I think that hanging onto faith sometimes feels like the one thing I can control, because everyone knows that babies don't come back to life in our earthly arms. We couldn't stop our children's deaths, but we could control our faith. Believing I'll see her someday again in heaven, for me, doesn't numb or comfort me. She's still dead here. And, I'm not a bad person for feeling that--I'm a mother.
I think the dark pit of grief that a mother goes through when she looses a child also challenges and blows apart any sort of religion or part of faith that is skin deep or based on blessings or works.... But out of that desert where faith so easily dries up and blows away is also the potential to find faith that is real and deep in a God that is real. He has not left you alone even though it feels so very much that way. He wants nothing more than to comfort you through this hell your living in.
Look for Him in the little things. Faith seems illusive right now but look for the tiny seedling growing in the desert and nurture it...feed it , water it. Before you know it you will find it has grown into something beautiful and drought resistant :)
I found reading the book of Psalms comforting as David pours out his heartache to God...also I found comfort in reading the book of Job. Knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you will find.
(((Hugs)))
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